Life Update: months away from becoming A single mom.

Yea, I know. The title is a little confusing isn’t it. Well lets talk about my life update And How i am “Months away” from becoming a single mom of 2. lets go back to the Beginning.

a trip down memory lane

the day we met...

My ex an i met back in 2019. I was a bartender at a small sports bar known for its wild nights. he wasn’t really a regular so to speak but as we entered the football season he definitely became a familiar face. When we first met i was introduced to him by A Friend i grew up calling my “cousin.” That day was a Sunday, Of course since foot ball sunday was the only time when the bar was at its busiest that early in the day.

He walked in with a few of his friends, all well dressed and “cleaned up” and went straight to the bar where him and my cousin greeted each other. I was actually at the far end of the bar Pouring a sprite for a table i had dining. I looked his way and Instantly was MESMERIZED. something about The way he looked, dressed, his smile, the way he glanced back in my direction. I was frozen. So much so, that the damn drink over flowed and spilled all over the floor i was standing on.

I snapped back out of my trance and yelled out “shit” so loud he and most of the guys looked back at me and Laughed. My cousin, even harder Because he just knew by just looking at me that i was crushing on him. I was so Embarrassed! omg, i seriously made it my mission not to look his way for most of the day. I could tell he noticed because i could see him staring my way from my peripheral. Then the time came when i had to wipe down the bar right next to where he was standing with his boys. He looked at me and said…”hey” yup, thats it, “hey.”

i staired back and smiled Responding as if i knew him well. “heyyy!, What’s going on” i said Wiping the white towel back and forth on the couter so fast like a weirdo. He pointed to his boy standing to his left wearing thick Gucci shades and with a grin says to me something along the lines of “look at his gucci shades, don’t you think he’s cool”. Keep in mind, it was now close to sundown and the bar is super dark. I’m talking like all windows are Covered and the neon beer lights being the only way you can see. aside from the bar lights, duh.

I looked up and for some Reason i couldn’t help but laugh right before blurting out “oh yea! so cool, protecting his eyes from how bright it is in here, good job” and literally a second later i just walked off. I could hear him chuckle and tap his boy like ” damn bro.” After that moment we just kept making eye contact threw out the Night. Closer to the end of my shift, i yelled out loud “well i guess I’m out of here!” making sure i am loud enough to be with in his ear shot. it worked because He did end up asking for my number before i chugged down the drink i ordered and headed out.

to which i totally turned down btw. honestly, thats just not my thing. plus a number is so personal. Imagine giving it to a total stalker then having to change it because he wouldn’t accept being blocked as a sign to stop calling or messaging. (true story btw, also the reason i don’t give out my number anymore LOL). I think i might have hit a cord because he looked Surprised that i wasn’t like all the other girls at the bar, drooling over the cool hot guys at the bar.

He told me he understood then asked very sweetly “well then can i get your IG instead?” i agreed, DUH! i mean, i was Drooling over him obviously! i just wasn’t showing it. We followed each other on Insta then and there. I did tell him at that moment that it would be pointless to get to know me though. Since i was a week away from leaving the country for a very long time

. and Even though that was the truth, it was far from what the future had planned out for us. That day we ended up seeing each other at a different bar down the road. the odds right!? I mean its not like he mentioned it then i begged my bestie to take us there right before he showed up.. or is it?

even miles away, i knew i loved him

we grew closer while i was away. we spent so many nights back to back messaging each other PARAGRAPHS back and forth for what seemed like hours. i felt like i really got to know him. his thoughts, feelings, etc. He was going threw a break up at the time we met and so it happens that i was too. He talked about how he didn’t think he would ever finding the right girl. and i like the sweet soul i am, encouraged him not to Give up on love. Man oh man, how i Remember how sick that made me feel.

Being miles away from someone you want to bad and actively pushing what could have been the love of you life towards some other girls arms. I prayed that day. I actually kneeled down and prayed. asking god to save him for me. I wanted to be with him so bad, i grew deep in love with him because of those long conversations.

I asked god, if he was meant to be my Boyfriend then let us reconnect again. if Not, then let me cross paths with Someone who made me feel like he did and will love me and only me.. When i returned to the US That was exactly what happened. We reconnected and our passion for each other grew. So fast that we made it actually made it official June 1st, 2020. and 6 months after that was when i found out i was expecting my first little angel. My Sweet Sophia. he knew before i did actually.

Not long after finding out i was expecting we moved in together. we had a small one bedroom apartment in a completely new county. i was so excited to Start decorating and growing into what was our little home together. but that never really happened how i wanted it to because straight after was actually when i started to see the first red flags. the temper. It didn’t take long to see his true colors and realize that i didn’t really know him as well as i thought i did.

“A red flag is one too many“

but it was too late, i moved out from my the confort of my moms house, signed a lease and was stuck almost a whole hour away. when i visited him at his parents house i never actually experienced who he was at home alone, until then. i guess its because when you start to live together you don’t have to keep That fake image anymore.

As time went on it seems like everyday was another battle for us. Walking on eggshells became an art i very, very quickly mastered. Anyway, i am not blaming either side. it took two and as much as i feel i was wronged. i also was wrong in my own faults. I experienced so much heart break, depression, pre and post baby and just anger in the Months that followed. Our relationship was on thin ice. We just aren’t Compatible. I mean when we met and even after reconnecting life was Different.

We had no Responsibilities and felt like we had all the time in the world to have fun. going Drinking, dancing all night, staying out til’ the sun came up. But once we Got our own place, experienced real bills and had the baby things changed. I found Myself drowning in everyday tasks and new Responsibilities that i had no idea how to navigate threw. I was a new mom and the Picture i had In my head of that moment in my life looked so different than what it really ended up being.

I really lost touch with who i was. i felt like i was miserable in my own life. Of course i loved my daughter so much i was so happy to be a mom but I always felt alone. even though i actually never had a moment alone. i was disconnected from family, friends and my partner. I was overwhelmed with everything on my plate and had little help managing this new role. It didn’t take long before the real problems started. with time the trials added up.

we grew apart..

the passionate flames that once burn just stopped burning. i should have been able to forsee all that happened after that point but i didn’t. i was so dedicated to make it work so i held on. i had to right? so my daughter would be happy and have a happy home with mom and dad. so i wouldn’t be seen as a bad single mom with a new born and toddler. Maybe at some point i want to tell you all my trauma, little by little. but right now, I’m ok, i survived and i’m healing.

i’m not ready just yet to dive back into that time in my life (literally still my life right now). it’s a miserable headspace going back to the very start of it all. think how i should have saw this or did that but i didn’t. when i feel ok, like i can actually talk or think about it with out tearing up then i’ll start thinking about how i’ll break it down and let you guys in. who knows, maybe it will help another girl out there going threw it too.

And if that girl might be you, reading this right now, then know this: you are not alone. every women has a story to share. you don’t have to go threw this alone. speak up and let your loved ones in. the support is there, i promise you <3.

so, where does that leave him and I now? why do you think i said “months away” from becoming a single mom? Well, because that Exactly what will happen coming March of 2025. Our lease for the Apartment we shared for the last 3 years comes to an end. and If I’m being honest, i feel as though i have already been a single mom for a very long time now. I mean i practically manage most of the child care on my own. and house Responsibilities are mostly done by me anyways so what difference will it make really.

Well come to think of it aside from Not having the “50/50” financial support, there really Won’t be much of a change really. i’ll have to learn to not be guarded anymore. and i’ll have my own peaceful space. I know i’ll mourn the time i lost in this “relationship”. i’ve already felt like i’ve been mourning the strong willed girl i Once was. She was always so happy and so full of life. I Remember her. I miss her so much. But also i know shes still here, just wiser, stronger and a mom.

i mourn the end of this chapter. as weird as it is i know that living the way i have been Everyday, in this fight or flight mode, has become a big part of who i am now. i know ending this chapter is going to be very hard. I might have days where i will feel low and days were i will feel like in on top of mount everest.

A new chapter Awaits!

mostly i am so excited to start this new book in my life. The one where i grow and flourish into the boss B*tCH i am. to be able to focus my energy in Raising two sweet, smart, stong willed little girls and pouring into my self again. I’m excited to be passionate again. and i can’t wait to share every part of this journey with you guys. starting from right now, just a few months away from being a single mom. ttyl!

XO, AnaLynn <3