Dealing With PD, Two Years After delivery

It’s been two years now since i brought my sweet Eri into this world. Three Since My darling Sopi. And Even today years later, i still find myself dealing with PD. If you didn’t know it PD is Postpartum Depression. The Emotional roller Coaster a Woman Feels after Delivery. From The Hormonal Changes to the Emotional and Physical Ones. Dealing with PD is a challange and it doesn’t always look the same in every woman. Some people deal with it from the very Beginning and others a little further down the line. For me, it Came in waves. Even now, years later.

With My First, I didn’t really understand it and really just brushed it off. sure the doctors and nurses at every visit mine and babys always asked about it. it started with the questions at my appointments during check in then the Pamphlets given to me on Signs to look for. I skimmed threw most of it but didn’t really feel like it related to me, or so i thought.

Well i was wrong, SO Wrong. Because just a month and a half and what was the end of my maternity leave (thanks USA) it hit me hard. harder than a pile of brinks. I hated it. I hated being a mom. i spent so much time crying from the guilt of feeling worthless, lost, undeserving of the sweet little girl god had given me. i mean i was in total despair. i felt so numb, empty and guilty for just feeling that way. like how dare i feel stressed with a gift so many women, so many couples are denied.

my life was flipped overnight

i was so depressed. My mind was always racing, the second guessing every single thing was endless. my sleep Non-Existent and i swear looking back now i had days i prayed just to end it. not in a unalive me kinda way. but, in a please let me black out and fall into a deep sleep where i wake up and realize it was all a dream or a nightmare kinda way. Motherhood sounded so sweet and beautiful at first but man the reality hit me, its hard, its stressful and incredibly lonely. I was a shell of who i had been.

going back to that time i realize now that, yes you can have PD in any situation, a healthy Relationship or a bad one. but for me i really feel like it happened not because of the baby but the lack of Compassion and support from my partner. i was a new mom. i had NO IDEA what i was doing. i must have missed the handing out of the Mothers 101 textbook at delivery or something. he was a new dad too yet i had all the work. i know only a mom can pump milk and breast feed.

but a dad can help make that process easier. helping with Prepping and cleaning bottles, bagging milk, changing diapers and taking the baby to let mom get just a little extra time before she has to do it all over again. And lets not get into the part where we talk about how PAINFUL breast feeding and pumping is. Especially a new mom with no idea what nipple guards and healing ointments are. It was all me and my body quickly new it. it broke down. weakened. i was a zombie.

Somehow thought i still managed to keep up with house chores, cooking and cleaning and Remembering to brush my teeth, shower and wipe my ah… yea i have no idea how i made it threw. it was a dark time. But thankfully just as fast as it started it quickly Ended. i was back at work!! yaaayyhhh. Working with a newborn had its own challanges. but if i am being honest, it was easier than being at home every day, at least it was for me. SAHM are super heros! i couldn’t do it even if i was actually paid for it. i started to get help for PD a few weeks into working.

letting it out saved me

I actually opened up to someone who cared. Mrs. Sandberg, a PA at my job who actually pull me in a room and guided me threw opening up. She knew i needed to let it out and i am so thankful for her for doing that because i don’t know where i would be with out it. Because let me tell you, i let it out alright. So much so she even called my partner after hours to give him a much needed “wake up call” i love her for that. it got easier for a while, but then it came again.

i started to feel so ugly in my own skin, my own body. i flet like i was a stranger in my own body. they don’t tell you about all the changes you go threw months after delivery. the Hormones change EVRYTHING. your hair falls out, your skin changes, you look tired all the time. the weight doesn’t Go away as fast as you thought it would and your boobs, oh man your girls, they just hate you LOL. i started to feel like i was going threw it all over again. i knew about PD this time around so i was prepared.

i started focusing on my health; working out and eating better. and before i knew it i was pregnant AGAIN. oh man i was Terrified. one because i knew my body was still healing from my first baby but second because i knew how bad it was adjusting that i couldn’t imagine doing it all my self with two littles.

When your Pregnant your entire body inside changes. you abdomen separates, you heart, lungs, intestines are pushed and moved. its crazy scary. if you didn’t know just go ahead and YouTube a video of body changes during Pregnancy. yea not cute, at all. imagine doing that again with in a few months from each other. even scarier. i also consider the fact that i knew this baby announcement would not be taken as happily with a few people as the first. but still i didn’t care, i knew my baby was going to be a blessing and it didn’t matter how hard it was i knew i would do it all over again. My babies are a blessing, and not every blessing is easy, but They’re always worth it. i made the most of it, enjoying the small moments with my growing baby and the one blossoming before my eyes.

the short calm before the (second) storm

After my second delivery i went threw PD straight from the start. my partner and i at the time where going threw really bad patches. pretty much threw the entire Pregnancy and even before i even found out i was pregnant. he wasn’t accepting of it and he let me know it during every fight. i think thats where i really started to detach. i didn’t care about how he felt anymore. i was in total survival mode. i know that both parties involved deserve to feel their needs met and be respected and all that. but for me at that time, no way.

i did it all Myself and i continued to do so even when tears streamed down my face while i begged for help. i never got it, so i just learned to survive with out it. a few weeks into my post pregnancy life i started to get very bad migraines. some days so bad i lost my speech, mobility and was in so much pain i ended in the er many times. i thought it was TIAs aka mini strokes. but all my test pointed back to severe stress, sleep deprivation and migraines. i hated it but i pushed threw. this is actually the time where i started to lean into my faith more. i prayed a lot. and god answered. i got threw it. But it wasn’t easy.

Post Partum was hard after my second. Imagine everything i told you about my first and turn that notch up like 100 times. Not only did i deal with a lot of eternal struggles but i dealt with alot of eternal ones too. the daily fights, feeling like i had to protect my daughter who i was Reminded was unwanted many times, it was war and i was in survival mode. I think what really helped me was connect back with my amazing sisters. mu support system. my own A Team.

i lost touch buring the year of my first Pregnancy, mostly because i was living so far away but also because i was just so ashamed of it. i felt like i had to had how bad it was, like i needed to put on a fake smile all the time even though i was hold back a mental break down. PD wasn’t always the same, some days i would be nailed to my bed with only getting up to care for my babies. and somedays i Felt like i was on top of it all only to cry the second my eyes met my own in a mirror. it was weird.

now two years later i still find Myself occasionally dealing with it. I learned to accept my new role. i learned to be gentle with myself and most importantly i learned the importance of *Self Care*. reading and writing have been such an amazing outlet for me. taking time to explore new things and accepting just overall Myself and all my flaws. I’m not perfect, I’m never going to be and i love that about me. I’m honest with my Self i no longer hide and feel the need to pretend like its all rainbows and sunshine when it isn’t.

Learning to love my self all over again..

Depression, in any form is hard. be gentle. be understanding and be patient with yourself. your problems aren’t goimng away over night and Remembering will keep you from holding that Burden all day everyday. let go of the stress and just live your life a day at a time. I never knew how important it would be to Remember that everyday. i used to feel so over stimulated by all that was Happening and feeling like i was supposed to just solve it all in one day. i was so tired of it.

now i take my time to sit on things. not spending every Minute trying to just figure it all out, feeling like nothing i do is enough. i stop, work on it, take a minute to enjoy life and get back to it when I’m ready. don’t feel alone it your own fight, whether its PD, plain ol’ Depression or even Anxiety. let yourself breathe, open up about it and make a plan to work threw it. you Got this, i got this, WE GOT THIS.

XO, AnaLynn